Trust

Trust.

I’m sitting here trying hard not to freak out. You see…I have this “thing” in my arm and after 2 surgeries, an MRI, a CT scan, an ultrasound guided biopsy, 15 attempts to put an IV in my arm, and 2 other procedures that seemed to take care of this “thing” I received an explanation of benefits from our insurance company stating that we owe a very large amount of money now for one of the procedures as the second one hasn’t been processed yet. And if this amount is doubled, well, let’s just say I could buy my hubby a nice brand-new truck debt free.
Yeah. Panic. Except, well, there’s this guy I know who told me He’s in charge. Yeah, God would be the One in charge of this. I’ve had a lot of frustrating moments these past 9 months working through this issue with my arm. But what I remember the most is simply having a peace that surpasses all understanding about the whole thing. Every time I went to a doctor I prayed that they would know what to do and that God would give me the peace I needed to get through the next bit. I asked others around me to pray for me too. At one point I was told it might be cancer and I tell you what, that shook me up but I was reminded again and again that I wasn’t to panic or “freak out” as I do so well but wait patiently until the next round of tests revealed what was going on.
Nothing about my arm has been easy. It’s been hard to diagnose, hard to image, hard to biopsy, and hard to understand. I knew that I needed to deal with this “thing” in my arm because I would wake up in the middle of the night with a left arm that was basically useless. I couldn’t use very well; it felt like it was asleep only I couldn’t sleep on that side to cause it to fall asleep. I would have odd pains shooting down my arm in the middle of the day. And my arm would ache from my neck all the way down to the elbow. I could feel this “thing” grow and shrink, expand and relax. I simply KNEW that it needed to be dealt with. And my loving Lord and Savior was there with me every time I cried out for peace and understanding. I never once wallowed in pity over this thing.
I’m worried because I didn’t spend hours in prayer of this “thing”. I prayed about it, I asked others to pray about it but in the end I didn’t agonize over it. I simply felt that God was in control and whatever happened, happened because He was in control regardless of how roundabout the route seemed to be to getting an answer. He came through every time. I find it rather remarkable how easy it was for me to trust God in this. I also know he surrounded me by faithful prayer warriors who carried this burden for me. I can’t explain it any other way.
Then I get this “explanation of benefits”. The good thing is that it isn’t a bill yet. The bad thing is that I can’t call the doctor’s office and ask what’s going on because I asked each time that this was under a contract (another long story) and they assured me it was. SO, I have to do the hardest thing for me, and NOT freak out. I have to stop, turn this over to my loving Savior and ask Him to smooth out the ripples going on around us because it’s not worth being ill or losing sleep over this because I have to believe that God has my back. That He knows that there is no earthly way for us to take care of this one bill, let alone 2 at the amount they are. I have to trust that when I call the doctor’s office in the morning they will have an explanation for me. And I have to believe that if they don’t have a good explanation and that we do indeed owe what that explanation says we do that He has a plan far better, greater, and bigger than anything I could ever imagine. These are the times it’s hardest for me to trust God; when I can’t take the bull by the horns and simply fix it myself, I have to Trust that He knows what’s going on and that He IS in charge. He seems to be reminding me of this on a daily basis as of late. I am unable to fix this on my own. I am honestly incapable. But I know Who is able to fix this and I know Who is 100% capable of taking care of all I have going on in my life, my Lord and Savior, Redeemer, and Friend Jesus Christ.
Proverbs 3:5 -6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” NASB.

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